I was walking, I knew nothing; I never had it all, I just had what I wanted.

I had you, I lost you; It was sweet, it was sour.

I thought I knew, I thought I was right; I dreamed and I did, I lived and I lived through it.

I was never right, nor was I wrong; I grasped and I strived, I did and I did again.

The unexpected and the bad; the worse and the worst. It came and it came again.

I held and I am holding; it breaks and tears me apart. It pained and it pains again.

I lost. I lost it all. The bet is over. 

People get what they wanted. They are the happiest.

I am down to my last, with a piece of broken wing.

I'm fading away; to a place that I belong to.

I do miss the old me.. the one who was always inspired and on the go; the one who was so passionate about photography and life..

Where is my soul? Where is my my my?

Everybody sacrifices. Those who are lucky, people sacrifice for them. And for those who are willing, or are forced to make sacrifices for people, they are given no choices.

I wish I could tell you in the eyes, that this is not the life that I wanna live with every day. I know you have been through a lot and I wasn't there with you. This is all I can do for you now. But deep down, this can't be forever, because even though it makes you happy, it makes me unhappy.

I am hating this life, every single day, that I don't feel the sense of purpose in living. I fulfill your wishes. But I am losing everything of mine. I lost everything. My dreams. My life.

When I can't let you down for you, I let mine down for who I am.

Talk about being fair in life. Nothing is fair. Nothing equals. There is only more or less. Willing or unwilling. It all comes down to willingness..

If you're stronger, if you could understand me more.. only if..

I don't know how to tell you, or if it is right to tell you how I feel and what I want.. but I am really not happy now.. I love you mum.. but what can I do?

I'm looking for a job, but I'm restrained to only a certain place, a place that is so small that the online job posting only lists out a few position that I am not interested in whereas the other cities are listing hundreds over positions.

I'm so torn between family and career. I just feel restrained and so helpless. Nobody can understand my situation. This is not the kind of life I want. It just doesn't work as desired, at least not at its full capacity, with what I have.

It's always about making choices. You can choose conscientious over everything else. Yet you can also choose according to your heart and needs yet it goes against what the society advocates. It all goes back to whether you are a selfish person who cares about your own feelings or a person who tries to fulfill other people's wishes.

What do you choose? Would you choose the others over yourself?

It's a dilemma.

Happiness, seems like what we are all looking for in life. Yet how many of us are really happy living in the society. We are all so consumed, in working, for money; and never get satisfied out of it.

What should we do, in pursue of our happiness? Some big achievement? Or just doing what we like in our daily life? Do you want to be acknowledged and recognized? Or do you just wanna live peacefully everyday? Or do you wanna live your life by contributing and helping the needy?

Where do we go from here? What makes you feel complete and content every day? How do you experience failure and those unexpected nasty reality events and facts, and get back up again facing life with a whole new perspective?

You can be chasing what you want in your whole life, and then you get it, you feel happy; or you never get it, you feel disappointed and then move on to chasing other things; or you just never get back up again.

Feelings are rotating randomly in a cycle; a cycle that consists of the Ten Worlds - the ten conditions that we all are experiencing in our daily life. <http://www.sgi-uk.org/index.php/buddhism/tenworlds>

If we can understand and manifest the existence of the ten worlds, we will always try to achieve being a buddha, although we know that we can't stay stagnant in one state of life condition, we try to be at the best state as possible. The problem is how we overcome the negativity of each life condition. We know, that negativity exists and this is what will bring the bad side out of us, and so, we need to know how to control it. Feelings and thoughts are mystical and at times are inexplicable, we may not be powerful enough to overcome the negativity that comes along dominantly.

How do we deal the unmanageableness? How are we able to stay objective in every life condition and not let ourselves get carried away?

It could be the time when the law of the universe comes into place.

If you were still here, I just wish that I could hold you so tight that I couldn't breathe.. and touch you gently on your face.. look at you.. and tell you that: "I love you, daddy.. I miss you... so much.."

Sent friends back at the train station reminds me of how you used to come pick me up at the train station whenever I came back from the city. You were sometimes late.. because you always had things to do.. and I used to be mad.. but I always felt nice to have someone come fetch me home..

I still remember how you look in my vision.. how you act.. and everything you do is just so cute to me.. because you are my one and only..

I know I can't be your baby girl anymore.. and I'm sorry that I didn't grow up fast enough, for you.

I am still so reluctant.. and it is still so painful.. it is more than painful.. where I couldn't find any place that I could let out..

I still can't mention anything of you or about you in front of people.. as it will make me cry.. I have been suppressing, everything..

When you don't like your current life, you wish to have a better life. Yet when you have a better life, you have no idea when it would be taken away again. It is true, nothing stays forever, nothing lasts forever.

It's been awhile..

And I know I've been suppressing.. I still can't believe that my life is since changed forever, when I think of it..

There's so much uncertainty that I don't see myself in.. Would I like what I would be doing? I am scared to think of it.. What if a change brings no change? Where's happiness? The inner satisfaction in life. Where's goal? When people keep saying disaster brings good change, is it true or is it just some words of comfort?

There's so many doubts spinning around my head. There are so many things out of my control. It seems that I lost my freedom. Whenever I think of it I just feel uncomfortable and suppressed. I wanna scream out, so loud that it consumes all the energy of my body and soul. I'm exhausted and it's just so lonely.

Who's gonna understand? Who's gonna help?It's a lonesome winding road, that I never thought to be taking on..

Did I ask for too much? What is decency then?

I can be all pessimistic, yet I can be the opposite.

It's a choice. Happiness is a choice, but life isn't.

You can have so many friends and you still feel lonely.

You can have all your closest family and you still feel lonely.

You can have everything yet you still feel empty.

Some people spend years searching for it, some people get it in months. Some are hopeful, some gave up. Some are lucky, some strive so hard.

I just need my freedom back, if not all, at least there's a balance. I can't be restrained, or I feel choked. Why can't everyone be independent?

It's okay if I die young, or die alone, at least I've done the things I wanted to do all my life.

When there's nothing you could do, you just have to always tell yourself that, it's alright, it's okay. You can make it better. It's all faith. When things go the wrong way, you tell yourself it's a challenge. So when you're happy, just enjoy it. When you're satisfied, just take it as much as you can. When challenge is over, it's the time you die. 

No one comprehends, this pain and restraint in life.

I know, nobody can tell me why all these are happening.

Problems, just keep coming. Those that are new, some that already existed which we haven't been able to see.

Why did you leave us, at this point of time?

Why did you make things all complicated?

You thought you were smart, but you never win in the end.

You left us with all the burden, to carry on.

Why didn't you all see that and find the solution to make things better?

Why did you leave things unchanged all these years?

I know you were tired, but you knew the choices you had and you chose this.

And now you're gone, just like that.

I know you love me, and I love you too. Somehow reality is just cruel.

There are so many things, that I want to do.

Though I have another new mission.

I am now you.

I take care of her. I take care of him. I take care of it.

I take care of this. I take care of that. I take care these.

I am stronger than you as I am younger than you.

You went through your hard times, and I'm going through mine.

I am keeping it together, I am keeping it fine.

I will be better. I will be fine.

I am, but a little, tired.